An Epiphany – on the raising of husbands.

(Subtitle: Or the surviving of any long term relationship)

I am married. And when you are married, or you live with a partner, they do things that annoy you.

Of course they know that their habit annoys you, but they often don’t see what the big deal is. And when you really get down into the nitty gritty of it, often there isn’t a big deal.  My hubby has a habit, cultivated long before we married, which drives me crazy. It’s been driving me crazy for eighteen years now. And it lead to countless fights (most of which he doesn’t remember), and countless nights of my sleeping badly because I felt too upset with him. I always felt that since he knew his habit upset me so, he shouldn’t be doing it. And so I’d nag, nag, nag. And feel extra upset that not only didn’t he give a damn about how I felt, but my nagging was ineffective as well. How vexing! Since he indulges in his habit several times a week, it has been eighteen years of him not giving a darn how I felt about something rather silly. I felt it was so silly and stupid of him to do, that he should listen to me, dangblabbit. And he felt that, just because we are married, he wasn’t my puppet to commandeer.

The other night he was  doing it again. And I went to bed, knowing the futility of trying to stop it. And it was when I was lying in bed, reading Facebook, that I had an epiphany.

Let it be. It doesn’t do any harm to him (not long term anyway) and it does no harm to me, be it temporary or permanent. It irritated me simply for two reasons. One was my idea of what is proper and what it not, the other for the fact that he knew it upset me but didn’t care. He hasn’t cared for eighteen years and it looks like we’ll be married for a long time more. Was I really willing to be mad about something like that for the rest of our married life?

So I decided to let go. And here lies the crux. I didn’t let go for him. I didn’t let go for our relationship, I let go for me and me alone. Utterly, blissfully selfishly me.  I had tried the ‘I’ll do it for the relationship’ angle before but it invariably fails. You know why? Because you start feeling resentful. The old ‘why-am-I-always-giving-to-the-relationship-when-he-can’t-be-bothered’ sentiment.

I still don’t like it when he does it, but now I let it go for myself. He is a big boy.

I wondered long an hard whether I should post about what it was that upset me. And I will. But I didn’t want the ‘what’ affect the reading and writing of my post. Now that I am done formulating my thoughts and realization, I will write what it is.  He sleeps on the floor. The family or living room floors to be precise. Pretty much wherever he sat down to watch tv and then falls asleep. And he can proceed to sleep the entire night there. I went upstairs and enjoyed a quiet, snoring free night in our queen size bed. He snored into the carpet.


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